When we feel safe, our creativity unfolds like a beautiful flower.
To understand how fear blocks creativity, take a moment to imagine yourself telling a story. First, imagine telling the story to someone you love and who loves you. You probably feel warmth and energy as you fill in the details of your tale to your friend’s delight. Now, imagine telling the same story to someone who, for whatever reason, makes you uncomfortable. The wonderful twists and turns, the fine points and colorful images that unfolded in your mind for your friend probably won’t present themselves. Instead of warmth, energy, and creativity, you will probably feel opposite sensations and a desire to close down. When we feel unsafe, whether we fear being judged, disliked, or misunderstood, our creative flow stops. Alternately, when we feel safe, our creativity unfolds like a beautiful flower, without conscious effort.
Knowing this, we can maximize our creative potential by creating the conditions that inspire our creativity. In order to really be in the flow, we need to feel safe and unrestricted. However, achieving this is not as simple as avoiding people who make us feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we can be alone in a room and still feel totally blocked. When this happens, we know we have come up against elements in our own psyches that are making us feel fearful. Perhaps we are afraid that in expressing ourselves we will discover something we don’t want to know, or unleash emotions or ideas that we don’t want to be responsible for. Or maybe we’re afraid we’ll fail to produce something worthy.
When you’re up against fear, internal or external, ritual can be a powerful–and creative–antidote. Before you sit down to be creative, try casting a circle of protection around yourself. Visualize yourself inside a ring of light, protective fire, or angels. Imagine that this protective energy emanates unconditional love for you and wants to hear, see, and feel everything you have to express. Take a moment to bathe in the warmth of this feeling and then fearlessly surrender yourself to the power that flows through you.
BY MADISYN TAYLOR
Shared at Su’s request, words to ponder. ❤ Andrew Codling
After spending some time with friends, I reflected upon the values that truly mean something.
” In the end, it is how generous you were with your heart, that matters.
One day, when all your earthly possessions have no use to you, you will reflect upon the life you led.
There are many paths to happiness, and the path you choose will be filled with distractions, like wealth, adoration, greed, envy, anger, the list is varied and long.
When you meet these distractions, do not feed too heartily from their plate, for they will never satisfy you, they will offer temporary relief to you, but you will be left hungry and wanting more.
You see, the distractions that truly fill you up, are not those that feed the mind, but are those that feed the soul, like love, compassion, kindness, humility and charity.
These are the attributes that you take with you on the great journey, and when the mirror of your soul reflects these back to you, you’ll feel pride in seeing these aspects of yourself reflected back to you.
It’s not wrong to submit to the material world, it’s necessary in order to survive, but it is right to find balance, and in doing so, we can feel truly fulfilled, and then we are better placed to serve not only others, but also ourselves, and with greater purpose.
To truly give of yourself, is to grow and nurture your own spirituality, and this we can do, irrespective of our means.
Because, in the end, it is how generous you were with your heart, that matters “
We have all had the experience where we have been annoyed, offended, hurt, saddened or angered by another. How can we handle the situation and ourselves so that we exercise, grace, tact, and possibly even advocate for change in the world?
Together, let’s explore some strategies which we can adopt to both heal our hearts and move forward in the best manner possible.
It is simply not necessary to introduce judgment into everything. To understand someone’s intention you’d have to fully understand them. How can we possibly know what is in the heart and mind of another? Many times, we and others act without forethought, without conscious intention. Sometimes, our emotions overtake us. A lot of the time, we barely even know ourselves! Broken people hurt other people. Can we really judge them for that?
If, for example, someone is ill, do we judge them for being ill? Do we hold their illness against them? No, of course not! It wasn’t that person’s choice to become ill.
By the same token, perhaps, that person we are so quick to judge hasn’t made a conscious decision to be where they are. Maybe, they themselves don’t even know how or why they ended up where they are. Can we blame people for not knowing what they don’t know?
If you can’t handle yourself in the company of a person, then it is necessary for you to enact a boundary for the well-being of both yourself and that other person. If you can’t keep your emotions in check, it may be best to distance yourself until you have found some healing for yourself.
We want to spend time with people who motivate us to be our best selves, because we want to bring our best selves to the world.
We do not need to keep people who have harmed us in our lives. We can set boundaries. We can’t possibly have time and energy for all people anyway. We must, however, ensure that we make time for ourselves in our own lives, we must engage in self-care. Self-care is particularly important when we are hurting.
We have all heard the saying that “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” and it is true: Hate breeds hate. Hate will not heal. It will not heal you, and it will not heal them.
If a person is broken, that person needs healing. They need your love more than they need your hate. Hate will not break a negative cycle, but love may make a difference. Even if you don’t know how to love a person, don’t treat them with hate. Treating them with hate chances them also losing the ability to love themselves.
People who don’t love themselves are often volatile and at risk of poor choices and behavior. Don’t make the problem worse. Don’t treat people the way they have treated you. Treat them the way you wish to be treated instead. Don’t become that which you hate.
Don’t give with expectation. Don’t help someone expecting them to return the favor. Don’t expect them to change. If you have helped leave it at that. Your intention was to help. Your intention is not the outcome.
You’ve done your part. More than that, you haven’t added to the problem. That’s quite something all in itself!
It is easy to love people who are easy to love. The real challenge is to love those who have hurt or harmed you. Love and compassion are not circumstantial. You don’t have to understand people in order to love them. You don’t even have to like them or agree with their actions.
Remember the human beneath. We do not know what may be tormenting a person’s soul.
You can love others with a compassionate heart. Never underestimate the power of kindness and compassion.
Don’t carry the darkness of hate in your heart. It will harm you. That anger will seep into every aspect of your life. It will taint everything.
Instead, work through your emotions. Find forgiveness and let go. Don’t hang on to things. Don’t bring the past into the present. When we bring the past with us, we diminish our presence in the moment.
Learn to let go. Forgiveness is for you, not them. Forgiveness does not mean you condone or agree with what someone has done. Don’t replay that which has hurt you over and over again. Don’t torment yourself further. You deserve peace.
Remember, you have the power to make a difference. Your very words and actions can effect change.
Don’t be a part of the problem, be a part of the solution instead. Be defined by love in all you say and do.
Akiroq Brost – inspirational writer
This statement is perhaps especially true when a sibling dies in childhood, adolescence or early adulthood. An untimely death whose ripple effects may continue long after the farewell at the funeral or graveside.
Sibling relationships have attributes in common with all interpersonal relationships. They also have specific unique features that reflect a special bond.
It has been suggested that siblings are likely to spend more of their lifespans with each other than with any other family member.
Siblings may use each other as significant influences, ‘benchmarks’ in the development of self- identity and understanding of the world. Siblings play a crucial role in the development of identity. Their relationships help define one another.
Consequently when a sibling dies, the surviving child or adolescent loses many things…a playmate, a confidante, a role model, and a friend…even someone to argue with and someone with whom they can ‘gang up’ against parents.
Perhaps someone to grow old with, look after aging parents together. They lose a shared history and future, a feeling of connectedness and shared activities.
The identity of siblings is frequently so intricately connected with the death of a sibling it may feel like the death of a part of themselves. The grief of young people may at times be minimised, overlooked or misinterpreted.
The familiar pattern of their lives as for adults is forever changed. They may feel inexpressively lonely and lost. They may also feel regret and guilt, as adults sometimes do, wishing they had done things differently.
Life views may be challenged, e.g. that only old people die, that adults can always make things better and keep everyone safe. It can be very unsettling for young folk and they, like adults, need time and help to relearn their new world.
How each child or adolescent responds to the death of a sibling will be influenced by a range of factors, including their age, their gender, previous experience of loss, the reactions of adults around them, individual personality, the nature of the death and the nature of the relationship they experienced with the child who has died.
It is difficult, in the early months, to feel connected to someone who is no longer physically present. There may be for older children and adolescents, an expressed fear of ‘forgetting’. The permanence of a ‘heart connection’ seems less than a physical presence, a person that can be touched and loved, played with and kissed. Children and adolescents, like adults, may like to surround themselves with photos or mementos to trigger and reinforce the strength of memories.
“Eventually and gradually, there is a growing knowledge that those who have died are, always have been, and always will be a part of who we are, that no-one can take from us what we carry within.” (Dianne McKissock)
In years past, it was thought that we need to ‘leave things/people behind’, and ‘get on with our lives’. Nothing could be further from the natural inclinations of most bereaved people, for whom ‘leaving behind’ is a most painful concept.
Current understandings about grief and the task of readjusting to a world forever changed, place more emphasis on the natural human tendency to want to stay connected in some way, to take those who have died with us into our tomorrows, albeit in a different way.
It is now more widely accepted that maintaining an ongoing connection and relationship with the person who is died is often an integral part of a healthy and successful readjustment.
For years following the death, many siblings may report that they continue to actively miss their deceased brother or sister and often experience renewed and intense grief on occasions that would be considered significant in their lives together (e.g. graduation, births, weddings, retirement, special birthdays). Surviving siblings continually renegotiate their ‘relationship’ with their deceased sibling as they navigate successive developmental and life stages.
The whole family is heartbroken and disrupted by the death of a child. The family, as individuals and as a unit, must restructure and readjust. How parents model managing their grief will influence how surviving children manage.
Open communication, a sense of togetherness and parental support is crucial as is the help received from extended family and friends.
The impact of a child’s death is pervasive. As with adults, not all children and adolescents react in the same way.
Some points to consider:
There are no right or wrong, “set’ ways to foster a sense of connectedness. Rather an atmosphere of tolerance, encouragement and open communication are most likely to enable bereaved siblings to find personal and special ways to stay connected to their brother or sisters.
It is important to note that as this is a process that changes and evolves over a lifetime as do the needs of the grieving child.
A child who dies remains an integral part of an individual’s and a family’s past and present. The bond in future will of course be different with change and the challenge for survivors is how to be and act in a world without those we love by our side in the physical.
Most bereaved people are on the receiving end, at some time or other, of comments that suggest that ‘time will heal all wounds’ or encouragement such as, ‘you’ll be fine in a while ‘ or ‘just give it time’.
Equally, they are frequently on the receiving end of misunderstandings about how long it may take to become familiar with a world profoundly and forever altered and not of their own choosing.
The suggestion that time heals, in my view, does an enormous disservice to the hard work and sometimes overwhelming effort that bereaved people make to adapt to their changed circumstances after the death of a loved one. It gives time some kind of active participation in the process and makes bereaved people appear to be the passive recipients of time’s healing efforts.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Time is simply something that is measured by clocks and calendars.
It is a convention to measure existence. Our perception of time is a fluid thing. Time can go slowly or quickly even seem to ‘stand still.’ We talk about things being timeless. We can recall things in our past and they can feel as fresh as yesterday or a very long time ago.
However we may understand time, I would suggest it is not an entity that can ‘do’ things. To suggest that it works on human heartache in a positive healing way is to deny the very active nature of grieving and rebuilding our lives after a death.
The old saying “time heals all wounds” is simply not true.
Parents do not ‘get over’ the death of their child. There is no amount of time that can pass that will alter the fact that their child has died and that they must continue to live with this unchanging reality. Time does not stop the ache in hearts nor does it erase the missing of those we love.
Notions of time do however play a part in the grieving process.
Initially for many time will stand still…the rest of the world seems to be getting on with things while the life of the bereaved seems to have stopped. People often comment on how their sense of time seems distorted. It can feel like yesterday or forever ago since they did a particular thing. The death can seem incredibly fresh and yet it can be years since it occurred.
I suspect that this may be because the intensity of grief in the early weeks, with its capacity to fill every available bit of one’s being, carries with it an inability to connect to calendar time – the passage of hours, days, weeks and months seem completely irrelevant.
Once time stops standing still, so to speak, bereaved people may not think much beyond the present day and the recent past. It is too overwhelming to think about days beyond because that would mean thinking about a future that does not include their child.
Thinking about the recent past generally involves thinking about all that led up to the death as well as focusing on memories so as not to forget. It is exquisitely painful to think about the many years ahead. For quite a long time it is simply not possible to think too far ahead.
However, gradually and with tiny baby steps, those who are heartbroken do start to function again. It becomes possible again to do the shopping, cook meals, go out, take care of surviving children etc. Time does not do this…YOU DO and frequently with an enormously huge effort.
However, time does provide a different vantage point that enables people to look back and acknowledge the ways in which they have moved from how they were in the beginning, how they may be different in terms of thinking, feeling and doing. This awareness may boost confidence about survivability and may herald the beginning of regaining a sense of mastery and control over overwhelming thoughts and feelings.
Many of us recognise that after a while, the time in between moments of overwhelming sorrow becomes longer and the time spent feeling overwhelmed becoming shorter.
I would suggest that it is not the passage of time that does this but your own greater familiarity with your grief, your own better ability to ensure breaks from pain and your own greater ability to re-engage with life within your broader social world. Such capacities usually occur against a background of learning to live with the experience and discovering ways to build a life around the pain of loss.
All of these abilities are actively engaged in by those bereaved, not always consciously, but nevertheless by the bereaved.
I, as a professional Social Worker, Psychotherapist and bereaved mother of an only child am privy to the painstaking struggle that families make to reconnect with life and rebuild their lives. Time alone does not do this!!! To think that it does is to take away acknowledgement of all the hard work and frequently painful work done by individuals and families.
As families engage in the tough task of rebuilding, they are further subjected to time constraints placed on them by the outside world.
Most of us have had experiences where others clearly underestimate the amount of time it takes to rebuild and in particular, the time that people continue to feel sad.
We allow more time for people to adapt to workplace change or moving house than we do for grieving people becoming accustomed to a profoundly changed world.
Family and friends, perhaps especially after the death of a child, are often very attentive and caring in the beginning.
For many, such support tends to diminish before the bereaved stop needing it. Friends and families may think and some directly say it, that it’s time to move on, that you need to get over it, that you have the rest of your lives to think about, other children to pay attention to etc etc
Others may give various forms of “hurry-up” messages. They want the bereaved person get back to normal and to do so fairly quickly. Our broader society supports and encourages this notion of a speedy return to pre-existing normalcy as if that were possible.
Bereaved people very simply need to be allowed more TIME to adapt and regenerate. Time is not the prime ‘doer’…..it is the context within which all grieving and mourning and rebuilding take place.
with thanks to my colleague Vera Russell
Sadness is one aspect of grief.
The sadness and sorrow after the death of someone central to who we are, is frequently of an overwhelming nature, powerfully uncomfortable and sometimes frightening in intensity.
It is also an emotion that people want to apologise for, thinking it a sign of ‘not moving on’, of weakness and inadequacy.
At its purest, sadness is love in the face of physical absence.
Grieving may be understood as what is experienced as one becomes accustomed to a world forever changed the includes the person who died with a different connection, a non-physical one.
People may die, but our relationships with them do not.
Sadness is, in fact, a useful and necessary emotion.
Leaving aside cultural rules about this emotion, the question may be asked as to what purpose does it serve?…What good does it do?…Why would nature have chosen this emotion?
The emotion of sadness occurs when we have lost someone or something that is important to us, and there is nothing we can do about it. Sadness turns our attention inward so that we can reflect and think. It allows a close examination of everything…which is part of what is necessary to rebuild life around the pain of loss.
Sadness slows us down; it slows down our biological systems contributing to withdrawing of attention from the outside world to our inner world.
Moreover, when we are sad, we look sad. Our face and body language signal to those around us that we may need help, care and compassionate understanding.
We are hard-wired to respond to each other in this way. We are biologically constructed to respond with care and concern when we see others suffering.
While many of us have been conditioned to perceive sadness as a negative emotion, it is a necessary emotion and has its usefulness and wisdom.
We are expected to be in control of our emotions and while it is important to learn how to ‘dose” ourselves when faced with intense emotions i,e. Get a break from them; it is important not to suppress them, deny or avoid them,
We, in our culture, tend to overvalue reason, logic and the capacity to be rational. Conversely, the language of the heart tends to be undervalued.
We search and are encouraged to seek quick remedy, relief and recovery. We don’t like to be vulnerable, out of control. We tend to keep our intense emotions secret and unseen and may even feel ashamed of them.
We are taught that to give too much room to intense emotions may be a sign of weakness or breakdown.
We turn away rather than toward them because of cultural conditioning and because they can also be frightening.
Grieving people sometimes fear that they will be overwhelmed by emotions like passionate sadness forever. They may also feel as if they are going crazy because of the intensity and unpredictability of intense sadness.
Our language is full of advice such as ‘get a hold of your self’, ‘get a grip’, ‘stay in control’ amongst many others.
The fear is that overwhelming emotion may be destructive.
We are sometimes encouraged to take medication that will make us feel better. The focus is on getting rid of strong emotions rather than learning from them. It may be difficult to believe that having strong, intense emotions acknowledged, listened and attended to, in fact, helps them diminish.
Sadness and sorrow are neither positive nor negative in themselves …it is the way we think about them that is positive or negative. How we think about things affects how problematic they may become.
Profound and passionate sadness is not a bad thing. It is the most normal emotion imaginable following the death of a child. While at the beginning that sadness may fill every inch of your being, it does not stay the same shape and colour for the rest of time.
Feeling emotional pain is not a sign of being sick…it is a sign of having loved deeply. It is the other side of love and as noted previously plays an important role in rebuilding life around the pain of loss. It allows an inward reflection on such questions as ‘Who am I now?’, ‘How am I different?’, ‘What do I need?’, etc. and it acts as a signal to the world around that compassionate care is required. This care includes the time and space to, for a while, withdraw from our normal concerns.
In spending time with intense and profound emotion, it is possible to discover or renew the capacity for gratitude, joy, faith, courage and compassion.
Healing is a journey through pain not a departure from it.
The purpose of intense emotion is not to make us miserable forever but to help us heal.
with special thanks to my social work colleague Vera Russell
The below writing is a heartfelt story from a mother who has buried her child; I include her story in its entirety simply because her message is so very important. Apart from some grammatical errors, nothing has been changed.
A Story from Elise and her beloved son Luke who now resides in the realm of spirit.
I wrote the following FB post a few months after two incredible experiences that shifted my grief journey into a much lighter, grateful, and peaceful place. Last August I did a type of grief therapy called Repair & Reattachment Grief Therapy with Rochelle Wright, she wrote a book about it with Craig Hogan. (I know, without a doubt. I was lead to her by my Luke, but that is a whole other story); it re-framed all of the terrible memories of my son’s last hours on earth. The bad memories are completely gone and replaced with amazing new memories of me with my boy.
Then only a month later, I attended the Afterlife Research and Education Symposium (again, a ton of signs lead me there including Rochelle asking to talk about Luke and me in her presentation at the conference). Both the therapy and the conference were the first time I had travelled anywhere since Luke passed. I had a ton of anxiety about travelling and leaving my young son and while it had been over 2.5 years and I almost cancelled both trips right before, but I was completely pushed to go by Luke/Spirit.
It turned out to be completely life-changing for me. I think learning all we can about the afterlife and becoming truly grateful for our earth experiences can shift us into a life filled with supernatural miracles instead of just human suffering. May you find comfort if you choose to read further. I am so thankful for my sweet, beautiful boy who was my teacher then and continues to be now. ❤️
I have been mulling some things over the past couple months and thought I would write it out hoping it may help someone else. I have had quite an intense shift in my perspective which has made my life and my grief journey so much better. In mid-September, I attended the Afterlife Research and Education Symposium in Scottsdale, Arizona.
For the first time, I was surrounded by people (a lot of them…over 500) who believe that our deceased loved ones still exist and are interacting with us with signs and messages of love. Yes, they have shed their physical bodies, but their Spirits are alive and well on “the other side.” Spiritual signs are not new to me. I experience so many spiritual communications between myself with my boy Luke in my daily life.
I kind of feel like a “weirdo” for thinking this which is quite odd to me because many people and most religions do believe in life after death but seem not to have much to say about the people who have transitioned over. It was very comforting for me to be in a place where I felt like I belonged and where the atmosphere radiated loving energy.
Most of the people at this conference had lost someone incredibly important to them which lead them to seek out learning more about the afterlife, and I met several sweet grieving mothers while there. One conversation, in particular, did get me thinking because I was a bit surprised at what I said. I sat down about 10 minutes early before the presentations on Saturday afternoon began. Another young woman sitting next to me struck up a conversation. She asked me what brought me to the conference and I told her that my oldest son was in Spirit and of course her immediate reaction was sadness and response of “I am so sorry.”
I nodded and said thank you and then shocked myself by saying “Actually I am not sorry and let me explain why.” This writing may come out clumsy, so I apologize in advance but know it is all from my heart. I will no longer say I am sorry about my beautiful boy Luke anymore and I will not let the moment of his physical death overshadow the amazing 5+ years he had on earth and the beautiful eternity he is experiencing now.
He was, and still is, my biggest blessing and I am not sorry about that at all. His life and “death” catapulted me into intense learning, growth, and transformation and I am not sorry about that. I had learned so much and am still learning and, even more important, yearn to learn which wasn’t even a concept in my life when Luke was still here physically.
The millions of beautiful moments I had with him while he was here on earth and the connection we continue to have completely trumped the moment of his physical death.
Yes, I still feel intense sadness that I do not get to talk with him and hold him and watch him grow up here on earth. I will never deny my longing to have him physically here, but my gratitude that he was mine in the first place and is mine forever makes it all worthwhile. I have realized that I never fully comprehended what being thankful meant before.
I am so incredibly thankful for my beautiful sweet boy and all that he has taught me and continued to teach me. I am so thankful he chose me to be his Mama, and he gave me the gift of telling me that fact a week before his unexpected passing. I am so blessed with such a special little boy with a supernatural understanding of Heaven, to the point where I know for a fact he came from Heaven and then went back again.
He was pure love and joy in human form, and his amazing soul still can shine his light down on me which gives me the energy to keep going. Yes, he left his earthly life earlier than what I would have liked, but I know God called him Home because his work here completed and that it is only because of him (in both physical presence and his spirit presence) that I am growing into the person I am now.
I may not yet know what I am here to accomplish, but I do know that it will be revealed in time and that Luke is with me every step of the way. I still feel his incredible love and am surrounded by it and reminded of it daily. His signs of love reaffirm his existence, and I am so lucky that I know without a doubt that I will be with my boy again one day.
I used to wish for that day to come soon but I no longer do. I used to think that there was absolutely no way I could survive “x” number of years without my Luke but now know after surviving almost three years now and learning all that I have, that I can survive and WILL SURVIVE because my soul knows I still have work to do and lessons to learn.
I am letting my life unfold instead of trying to control everything as I did in the past. I know I will be lead to the places I need to go and to the people I need to meet for my continued healing and the healing of others. I am keeping myself open to whatever crosses my path and know that even when “bad” things happen, blessings can still abound.
I will always try to find the bit of good in what seems bad and to see the potential for growth in everything that occurs. Everyone has their journey and lessons to learn, and I am grateful to be able to share with you all that I have learned so far.
Sending blessings and love out to Facebook land today!
Photo by Lora Denton Photography ~ Sept. 2017
Australia and New Zealand Parents
Helping Parents Heal Inaugural Online Meeting for Parents
Helping Parents Heal is a wonderful organisation designed to allow parents whose children have transitioned to support each other. Unlike many bereavement support organisations, members share knowledge about signs, after death contacts, mediums and other methods of direct communication with their children. HPH meetings are uplifting, inspiring and enlightening.
When: 19th December
Where: Online Zoom – by putting this link into your browser Join from PC, Mac, Linux, iOS or Android: https://zoom.us/j/6123708172
Or email firstname.lastname@example.org
6.00 pm Darwin
6.30 pm Brisbane
7.00 pm Adelaide
7.30 pm Hobart
7.30 pm Melbourne
7.30 pm Sydney
9.30 pm Christchurch
9.30 pm Wellington
Everything in life is in constant movement and change. Nothing ever stops. The only constant is change itself.
Through our life, we experience change in many forms, from key development milestones, as we witness our bodies growing and ageing, to life-changing shifts such as having children or losing loved ones. In between is a myriad of other episodic life moments, where we experience the effect of change cast over a backdrop of a moving culture, a fluctuating economy and a constantly shifting environmental landscape.
Change can be hard to deal with, especially when it is dropped down on you in the most unexpected and abrupt ways. You can suddenly lose balance, disconnect from your inner resources and feel unable to respond adequately to changing circumstances. In short, you enter into a crisis.
This is what the typical life crisis is made of–the inability to respond adequately to change. It is when your inner world–beliefs, emotions and attitudes–do not reflect the outer world as it changes. Anxiety and stress often stem from this inability to deal emotionally with change. Ironically the wrong response to change is often stagnation.
Resilience and adaptability to change are extremely important life skills, often associated with emotional intelligence and a healthy attitude or perspective towards the self and life in general.
Here are eight ways to help you not only adapt to change, and deal with crises, but actually thrive in it.
What is the first emotion you feel when you suddenly face an unexpected change that doesn’t have a known outcome? (basically you don’t yet know whether it’s good or bad). For most people, fear or anxiety is the first thing that comes up. Fear of the unknown is one of the deepest and most pervasive of fears. If you let this fear overcome you, it starts creating negative thought patterns and other unwanted self-sabotaging patterns.
Positive people usually get immediately excited about the prospect of change because their view on life is, in general, an optimistic one and therefore they expect that good things will happen more often than bad. They might initially hesitate for a while but then cheer themselves up and end up looking forward to it. They embrace change. They get curious. Curiosity is an important trait to have because it engenders movement and the power to get out of a comfort zone.
People who are most likely to deal effectively with change implicitly know that life is in constant movement and they cannot stop and gather moss. They need to move and circulate the energy around, whether it’s the energy of their thoughts, money, body, work, etc. This is a secret very few people know and follow consciously.
Stagnation goes against life because life is–by its own nature–movement. When they face unexpected change, they make an effort to flow with it and keep themselves from getting stagnant. By stagnation, I mean following the same thought patterns and doing the same things. So these people think sideways, try new things, follow new paths or divert their attention away from the same patterns.
They own and take response-ability of how they are affected by a situation. Resilient people know that how they respond emotionally to life is everything. Experience is not something that happens to them but something they make out of a situation.
This simple but basic attitude changes everything and most certainly, it helps you deal with any form of change and disruption. When you are emotionally responsible you do not blame life or others. You try to find new ways to look at things and people. In fact, people who are emotionally intelligent find it instinctive to quickly change the energy of a situation, or people around them, by first changing how they feel about it. They know that responding negatively or falling victim to their own emotions is not helpful and will ultimately stop them from moving forward and adapting to change.
Perspective is key because it can change your feelings, attitude and will. Give two people the same situation and they will respond to it differently, if their perspective is different. Difficulty can become a useful challenge and an opportunity to learn. Disappointment can become a life lesson that teaches more about self mastery.
Everything can be turned around with the right perspective. Successful people will always look for the right perspective to get a better angle on an apparent problem. A sudden change can be turned into a springboard that helps you leap forward, if seen from the right perspective.
We often hear the cliché of facing one’s own fears. I think this is sometimes interpreted as being confrontational or aggressive. Successful people don’t bust their fears. Nobody really does. They understand them more, and respect them for what they are, but make it a point not to be controlled by them.
In fact, mentally strong people are ones who have a healthy internal dialogue. They do not push their fears away and they don’t fight or resist them either. They are just more conscious of which of those fears are holding them back, and understanding them. They befriend them, they talk to them and they might even give them names. In the end, they dance to the music of life by recognizing their fears and overcoming them (not fighting them) through self love, courage and faith.
The last point above brings me to the following. To successfully deal with the currents of life, you have to most of all keep faith in yourself. Know that you have all the resources needed to deal with any life situation. Do not be sidetracked by your mind that tries to make you believe you are inadequate or that you need something from somewhere, or someone, to solve a problem. You don’t.
People who successfully deal with change and crisis, time after time, believe that they always have the resources to push through. They do not look outwards for answers–they look inwards. They have faith that they will always look into themselves and summon up the courage, the ideas, the will, the attitude, the answer. They believe that they are connected to a creative life force that they can always tap into, without any consensus from anyone.
‘Self love’ is always misjudged by many because it sounds selfish or narcissistic. It certainly isn’t. Quite the contrary, self-love is the key to opening up to the world, and others, with kindness and compassion. Self-love means being open to yourself. You allow yourself to be human, to err, lose and find yourself again. Most of all, it means not to be harsh to yourself by criticizing or judging all the time. This would only create a negative internal dialogue that would generate more negative thought patterns.
As mentioned earlier on, successful people have a healthy internal dialogue. They communicate with their subconscious and their feelings/emotions in a positive way–lovingly and accepting. They don’t judge themselves; they just learn and move on. So when the going gets tough and the world around you changes too quickly, the first step is to love yourself more.
This is very close to the first point, where I mentioned that resilient people are optimistic about change and unknown circumstances. They do not cocoon themselves in but open up their arms and trust the flow of life. They are, in general, optimistic because they choose to believe that life is supportive and not conspiring against them.
If bad things happen, they change perspective, take emotional responsibility and move on; but they do not lose trust in life because they know that once their attitude and perspective is good, life will respond and support them all the way.
Adapted from an article by Gilbert Ross on Friday November 24th, 2017