A mother’s tale of growth after the death of her son…

The below writing is a heartfelt story from a mother who has buried her child; I include her story in its entirety simply because her message is so very important.  Apart from some grammatical errors, nothing has been changed.

 

A Story from Elise and her beloved son Luke who now resides in the realm of spirit.

I wrote the following FB post a few months after two incredible experiences that shifted my grief journey into a much lighter, grateful, and peaceful place.   Last August I did a type of grief therapy called Repair & Reattachment Grief Therapy with Rochelle Wright, she wrote a book about it with Craig Hogan.   (I know, without a doubt. I was lead to her by my Luke, but that is a whole other story); it re-framed all of the terrible memories of my son’s last hours on earth.   The bad memories are completely gone and replaced with amazing new memories of me with my boy.

Then only a month later, I attended the Afterlife Research and Education Symposium (again, a ton of signs lead me there including Rochelle asking to talk about Luke and me in her presentation at the conference).   Both the therapy and the conference were the first time I had travelled anywhere since Luke passed.   I had a ton of anxiety about travelling and leaving my young son and while it had been over 2.5 years and I almost cancelled both trips right before, but I was completely pushed to go by Luke/Spirit.

It turned out to be completely life-changing for me. I think learning all we can about the afterlife and becoming truly grateful for our earth experiences can shift us into a life filled with supernatural miracles instead of just human suffering. May you find comfort if you choose to read further. I am so thankful for my sweet, beautiful boy who was my teacher then and continues to be now. ❤️

 

I have been mulling some things over the past couple months and thought I would write it out hoping it may help someone else. I have had quite an intense shift in my perspective which has made my life and my grief journey so much better. In mid-September, I attended the Afterlife Research and Education Symposium in Scottsdale, Arizona.

 

For the first time, I was surrounded by people (a lot of them…over 500) who believe that our deceased loved ones still exist and are interacting with us with signs and messages of love.   Yes, they have shed their physical bodies, but their Spirits are alive and well on “the other side.” Spiritual signs are not new to me.   I experience so many spiritual communications between myself with my boy Luke in my daily life.

 

I kind of feel like a “weirdo” for thinking this which is quite odd to me because many people and most religions do believe in life after death but seem not to have much to say about the people who have transitioned over. It was very comforting for me to be in a place where I felt like I belonged and where the atmosphere radiated loving energy.

Most of the people at this conference had lost someone incredibly important to them which lead them to seek out learning more about the afterlife, and I met several sweet grieving mothers while there.   One conversation, in particular, did get me thinking because I was a bit surprised at what I said.   I sat down about 10 minutes early before the presentations on Saturday afternoon began.  Another young woman sitting next to me struck up a conversation. She asked me what brought me to the conference and I told her that my oldest son was in Spirit and of course her immediate reaction was sadness and response of “I am so sorry.”

I nodded and said thank you and then shocked myself by saying “Actually I am not sorry and let me explain why.” This writing may come out clumsy, so I apologize in advance but know it is all from my heart.   I will no longer say I am sorry about my beautiful boy Luke anymore and I will not let the moment of his physical death overshadow the amazing 5+ years he had on earth and the beautiful eternity he is experiencing now.

He was, and still is, my biggest blessing and I am not sorry about that at all. His life and “death” catapulted me into intense learning, growth, and transformation and I am not sorry about that. I had learned so much and am still learning and, even more important, yearn to learn which wasn’t even a concept in my life when Luke was still here physically.

The millions of beautiful moments I had with him while he was here on earth and the connection we continue to have completely trumped the moment of his physical death.

Yes, I still feel intense sadness that I do not get to talk with him and hold him and watch him grow up here on earth. I will never deny my longing to have him physically here, but my gratitude that he was mine in the first place and is mine forever makes it all worthwhile.  I have realized that I never fully comprehended what being thankful meant before.

I am so incredibly thankful for my beautiful sweet boy and all that he has taught me and continued to teach me. I am so thankful he chose me to be his Mama, and he gave me the gift of telling me that fact a week before his unexpected passing.   I am so blessed with such a special little boy with a supernatural understanding of Heaven, to the point where I know for a fact he came from Heaven and then went back again.

He was pure love and joy in human form, and his amazing soul still can shine his light down on me which gives me the energy to keep going. Yes, he left his earthly life earlier than what I would have liked, but I know God called him Home because his work here completed and that it is only because of him (in both physical presence and his spirit presence) that I am growing into the person I am now.

I may not yet know what I am here to accomplish, but I do know that it will be revealed in time and that Luke is with me every step of the way.   I still feel his incredible love and am surrounded by it and reminded of it daily. His signs of love reaffirm his existence, and I am so lucky that I know without a doubt that I will be with my boy again one day.

I used to wish for that day to come soon but I no longer do. I used to think that there was absolutely no way I could survive “x” number of years without my Luke but now know after surviving almost three years now and learning all that I have, that I can survive and WILL SURVIVE because my soul knows I still have work to do and lessons to learn.

I am letting my life unfold instead of trying to control everything as I did in the past. I know I will be lead to the places I need to go and to the people I need to meet for my continued healing and the healing of others. I am keeping myself open to whatever crosses my path and know that even when “bad” things happen, blessings can still abound.

I will always try to find the bit of good in what seems bad and to see the potential for growth in everything that occurs. Everyone has their journey and lessons to learn, and I am grateful to be able to share with you all that I have learned so far.

Sending blessings and love out to Facebook land today!

 

 

 

 

 

http://afterlifeinstitute.org/

#LovefromLuke
#ShiningLightParent
#StillRightHere

Photo by Lora Denton Photography ~ Sept. 2017

being present…

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”
— Lao Tzu

 

An easy way to stay in the present and take control over the thousand little thoughts that bombard our brains on a daily basis is to adopt an effortless technique called breath focus.

Breath focus will enable you to make for yourself a state of calmness amidst turbulent times.   One can do it anywhere, in line in the supermarket, waiting for a plane, train or bus, in the quiet and amidst the bustle of a city street.

I particularly love doing my breath focus in the shower.  There is something magical about having a focused shower.  You already know where the soap goes;  you do not need to think about it.  A perfect time to practice breath focus, under the soothing flow of shower.

So, what is breath focus?  It merely is paying attention to the breath.  Being an observer to this most basic of all our functions that we take for granted.

Imagine if you will that you are in your shower, you absentmindedly reach for and start soaping yourself, your mind is wandering to a thousand different thoughts.   Now, while you are in the imaginary shower with the warm water cascading over you bring your attention to your breath is it in or out, continue to search for your breath.

Now you have located your breath consciously decide to work with it.  Start by taking a deep breath and as you do notice the feeling of your expanded chest.  Note how far you can stretch your ribcage.

Now exhale, this time put your mind to your stomach and as you exhale notice it deflating, notice it relaxing, notice it becoming soft.

Notice your breath as it passes your nose, is it warm?  Notice the speed, the pressure.  Now push the breath all the way out, out, out.

Now repeat, as you breathe in pay attention to every tiny part of your in breath all the in and all the way down.

Repeat, until no thought enters but those of you following the breath.

Congratulations you have just meditated.  Move on with your day in a calm and relaxed manner and when you remember it be present to the breath.

 

 

waterfall

Grief and Holiday seasons…

“Holidays are time spent with loved ones” was imprinted on our psyche from a young age. Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They are part of the milestones we share with each other and they generally represent time spent with family. They bring meaning to certain days and we bring much meaning back to them. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, how on earth can anyone be expected to cope with them when a loved one has died? For many people, this is the hardest part of grieving, when we miss our loved ones even more than usual.How can you celebrate togetherness when there is none? When you have lost someone special, your world losses its celebratory qualities. Holidays only magnify the loss. The sadness feels sadder and the loneliness goes deeper. The need for support may be the greatest during the holidays. Pretending you don’t hurt and or it is not a harder time of the year is just not the truth for you. If it wasn’t harder you probably wouldn’t be here. You can and will get through the holidays. Rather than avoiding the feelings of grief, lean into them. It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain. There are a number of ways to incorporate your loved one and your loss into the holidays.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, New Years

These are the biggest and usually most challenging of all. You can and will get through the Holidays. Rather than avoiding the feelings of grief, lean into them. It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain. Grief is our internal feelings and mourning is our external expressions.

Ways to externalize the loss – give it a time and a place
  •  A prayer before the Holiday dinner, about your loved one.
  •  Light a candle for your loved one.
  •  Create an online tribute for them.
  •  Share a favorite story about your loved one.
  •  Have everyone tell a funny story about your loved one.
  •  At your place of worship remember them in a prayer.
  •  Chat online about them.
Ways to Cope

Have a Plan A/Plan B – Plan A is you go to the Thanksgiving, Christmas Day or Christmas Eve dinner with family and friends. If it doesn’t feel right, have your plan B ready. Plan B may be a movie you both liked or a photo album to look through or a special place you went to together. Many people find that when they have Plan B in place, just knowing it is there is enough.

Cancel the Holiday all together. Yes, you can cancel the Holiday. If you are going through the motions and feeling nothing, cancel them. Take a year off. They will come around again. For others, staying involved with the Holidays is a symbol of life continuing. Let the Holiday routine give you a framework during these tough times.

Try the Holidays in a new way. Grief has a unique way of giving us the permission to really evaluate what parts of the Holidays you enjoy and what parts you don’t. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to handle the Holidays in grief. You have to decide what is right for you and do it. You have every right to change your mind, even a few times. Friends and family members may not have a clue how to help you through the Holidays and you may not either.

It is very natural to feel you may never enjoy the Holidays again. They will certainly never be the same as they were. However, in time, most people are able to find meaning again in the traditions as a new form of the Holiday Spirit grows inside of them. Even without grief, our friends and relatives often think they know how our Holidays should look, what “the family” should and shouldn’t do.

Do’s and Don’ts
  • Do be gentle with yourself and protect yourself.
  • Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss.
  • Do allow time for the feelings.
  • Don’t keep feelings bottled up. If you have 500 tears to cry don’t stop at 250.
  • Do allow others to help. We all need help at certain times in our lives.
  • Don’t ask if you can help or should help a friend in grief. Just help. Find ways; invite them to group events or just out for coffee.
  • Do, in grief, pay extra attention to the children. Children are too often the forgotten grievers.
 Valentines Day

Valentines Day is a day to honor our spouse, girlfriend / boyfriend or anyone we are romantically involved with in the present. The past can represent a hole in your heart where your loved one used to be.

Tips
  • Write a love letter
  • Smile a smile for them
  • Light a red candle
  • Tell someone about them.

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day

Mother and Fathers Day are often thought of as an invisible sad day of mourning while many people are rushing around trying to get that perfect gift or make sure they remember to send mom / dad a card. There are over one hundred million Americans that for them, this is a sad day. Either because they have a mother or father who has died or a child has died.

Tips
  • Find ways to honor and remember your mother/ father or both.Think of ways to honor your child.
  • Light a candle
  • Say a prayer
  • Donate time or money in their name.
  • Do something you loved to do together on that day.

It isn’t as important how you remember, you honor them by the fact that you remember.

Just Remember

Holidays are clearly some of the roughest terrain we navigate after a loss. The ways we handle them are as individual as we are. What is vitally important is that we be present for the loss in whatever form the holidays do or don’t take. These holidays are part of the journey to be felt fully. They are usually very sad, but sometimes we may catch ourselves doing okay, and we may even have a brief moment of laughter. You don’t have to be a victim of the pain or the past. When the past calls, let it go to voice mail…it has nothing to say. You don’t have to be haunted by the pain or the past. You can remember and honor the love. Whatever you experience, just remember that sadness is allowed because death, as they say, doesn’t take a holiday.

Even without grief, our friends and relatives often think they know how our holidays should look, what the family should and shouldn’t do. Now more than ever, be gentle with yourself. Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss.

Article from grieve.com

Summary:

It is your grief, your choice, be kind to yourself, do what feels right for you. emkarblogis-1

Quiet time…

“Take some quiet time for yourself. In the quietness you will begin to recognize yourself again.   We so easily lose ourselves in the daily shuffle of life. Mindfulness and awareness will allow you to participate in your life rather than only reacting to life.

Through practicing mindfulness, you can begin to enjoy the simple things in life that have been lost in the clutter. Meditation is the powerful antidote to many of the poisons in your life; it stills vast yearnings and inner-discontentments.

Meditation provides a reprieve from the vicious swings of worry; that horrid place where our mind continually wanders, where it’s filled with fear and grasping for unknowable futures.

Meditation opens you to completeness; a moment of true reality. Meditation does not strive — it only opens you to what is. As your hopes and desires disappear, you emerge.

Through meditation you begin to take form in your interior as a beautiful being. Free from self-deception and fear, you will start to see and believe in your own beauty. As you submerge into your own realm of nothingness you feel you are being pulled into some great oneness; a mending of the fractures in your own consciousness.

Nothing to conquer or control, no-one to quarrel with — the still mind is peaceful, and the still mind is free. Your quiet moments prepare you for the harsh scuffles and abrasions of life.

Take some quiet time for yourself to center and to transcend the madness. Quietness is the most unpretentious preparation for a life of peaceful significance.”

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Bryant McGill – http://www.BryantMcGill.com

Happiness

 

Happiness is the natural outcome of being aligned with Essence, our true self, which is experienced when we are fully present in the moment.Cascades-Track-New-England-NP-NSW

The key to happiness is being very awake and aware of what is really happening in every moment rather than being absorbed in thoughts about the past, the future, your life, other people, and the many other thoughts we tend to get lost in, which don’t add to our life or enhance our experience of life but, rather, detract from the potential joy, peace, and contentment inherent in each moment. Happiness is in our control, since where we focus our attention is in our control. When we focus it on what the mind is telling us, we suffer; when we focus it on what is real and true in this moment, we experience happiness, joy, peace, and contentment.

The present moment is all that exists since the past and future are simply thoughts about the past and the future. But because we are programmed to pay attention to our thoughts, we often fail to notice what is actually going on now. Most people live in a mental world. When we drop out of this mental world into the Now, we experience a depth, a richness, and a joy and peace that feel sacred. This is the experience of our true self or Essence. So, when we talk about being in the Now, we are also talking about this experience of Essence.

Whatever you are doing, enjoy it! You have another option, of course, which is to not enjoy it. Notice what keeps you from enjoying whatever you are doing. It’s your thoughts, isn’t it? Even if you are experiencing pain, for instance, or something unpleasant, like going to the dentist, if you don’t listen to any negative thoughts, fears, complaints, and desires related to that, you won’t suffer. You will just have the experience.

You can go through life this way if you want, but when you are not fully in contact with what you are doing, you miss out on the potential joy and pleasure in an experience. Any experience can be interesting since you have never had it before. And any experience can be enjoyed because when you immerse yourself in it, you lose the false self (the sense of I or me) and discover the true self, which is always enjoying life. Essence is always in joy. And from Essence’s standpoint, every moment is an opportunity to serve life and love, which is another source of joy. What if you approached each moment as an opportunity to experience, serve, or love?

For more information visit:
> 60 Meditations for Greater Happiness

Taken from an article written by Gina Lake, with thanks.

Thank you from IDigitalMedium

Thank You ~ A Sincere Word of Appreciation…

For the people who contributed so that iDigitalMedium can have the funds to incorporate as a non-profit – we say thank you.

I personally guarantee that your trust in us was not misplaced, as we will show in the remainder of this year and beyond. We’re working stiffs – just like you, and we are proud to partner up with you for the greatest challenge of our age.

A total of $875 was raised from all sources (online and offline). The reason the fundraiser shows a goal of $380 is because a few donors had given prior to the creation of the GoFundMe.

This fundraiser was a success – thanks to YOU! Did you know the cost of just filing with the IRS alone as a non-profit is $400? And when GoFundMe takes their 8% fee we’ll likely have just enough to get started out on the right foot with the rest of the official filings.

And for that, we thank you. Stay tuned as we revamp the website to be exactly what you – “The People” have you demonstrated you want it to be:

A place that will make it EASY to find information regarding life after death, a team that will SEEK this information out, as well as SAVE it for our children and our children’s children.

Sincerely,
Keith, and The iDigitalMedium Team

Why be in fear?

Fear really is the ‘go to “ method used to manipulate human societies to act contrary to their own best interests. Cooperation, mutual assistance, negotiation, compromise are not put forward much nowadays. In a time when we need new strategies and a united plan to save the Web of Life from the mass onslaught of human depredation, destruction, and ignorance what do the governmental structures, political and media pundits and so-called ‘leaders’ offer?

They offer fear and distraction. The cabal of the wealthy that runs and manipulates the governments of the world know well that keeping the populace ignorant and afraid simply works. In has worked for hundreds, thousands of years, really.

When people are not afraid, that’s when the puppet masters start itching with fear themselves. The cancer of the resource munching, earth destroying, oil-based oligarchy is being recognised for what it is and thousands upon thousands of conscious individuals don’t want it anymore. The Earth is our Sacred Mother. Raping her through destroying her Life systems must STOP.

Would you put a tourniquet on your own healthy arm until your hand started to rot with gangrene? ‘Then what is the sense in stopping the flow of the water/blood of the planet with giant hydro-electric projects that have the same effect on a greatly larger scale? Fukushima pumps out radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean and Japan and the other technical nations do not stop it. Do you even hear about it on the news? You do not and the reason is, ‘Why upset the sheep?’ Keep them afraid of “terrorism” so they won’t rise up and take back the power to direct societies’ resources to solve problems rather than ignore them so that a few can continue to gain obscene wealth while destroying the very fabric of life itself.

When the veil is removed and the sheep finally understand what is going on…that the plan is to shear them until they are all cold and naked and them to slaughter them and their children for lamb and mutton. then is when revolutions happen.

Revolution is the only way now to save ourselves and our children and our Mother Earth. Many say revolutions don’t work because you only switch one corrupt power elite for another. And that is a valid point. But the revolution I support is one that: eschews violence fear and hatred in all its forms. It’s the revolution of brotherly and sisterly love spoken of by Jesus of Nazareth, Mohammed Mohandas Gandhi, Francisco Madero, and other visionaries down through history.

Although he went around the bend and fried his brain to some extent, Timothy Leary was right. We need to: TUNE IN, TURN ON, AND DROP OUT.

Let’s TUNE IN, to the Spirit of Life and the common gift of Living. Let’s tune into our shared humanity and respect where we came from, our Mother Earth. Let’s tune into our worldwide human family and it’s great traditions of caring, respect, love and consideration. I’m talking about the supreme thread that lies at the heart of all those traditions; The Golden Rule.

Let’s TURN ON to our own power to unify to achieve the healing and restoration of our HOME. As we form our own associations, organisations, families and other structures we will effect change as never before seen on this Planet. Why? Because these New Earth/ New World structures will be free of the divisions, fears, hatreds and ignorance maintained by a society divided.

A unified worldwide society of educated, mindful, tolerant and respectful citizens? Why not?

Let’s DROP OUT of fear. Let’s leave the constraint of ideologies, philosophies, religions, political parties that maintain separateness. Nationalism or any other “isms” that keep our consciousness in a separate state are what has put us in the sad state that we are in. Unity, the family, respect worldwide NOW. I’m not giving my sacred Life Energy to the old way any longer. I know there are millions who feel the same way I do. WE RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY. Power to the New Earth! Power to the united Earth Family!. Power to the Sacred Web of Life.

Rev. Rory O’Boyle
New Earth Healing Sanctuary

Bringing the spirit world into the open

I have found a fantastic site that is doing an incredible job in bringing spirit into the open and making information freely available for all.  The mission of this organisation is to:  Advance Knowledge of Life After Death, Research & Development of Communication with Spirit, Preserve History, Provide Inspiration, Promote Teamwork, and Build a Network.   The organisation is IDigitalMedium and can be found on this link: https://idigitalmedium.com/

As a grieving mother, I have spent thousands of dollars attempting to get “messages” from my daughter, and there was more than one person happy to relieve me of my money especially those early dark days of mad grief.  At IDigitalMedium there is just so much information for free I just had to share, and I wished I had known about earlier.  One page that I am like a kid in the lolly shop is the books page.   Amazing people have put up books that are helpful, many have led to books that are free, so many aspects of spirit life I still have not got to the bottom of the first list.  Here is a link to that page:  https://idigitalmedium.com/books/

However the next close second oh okay, sometimes I go here first is the page of websites. On this page is a list of websites all with some link to the spirit in some way.   Some are historical, some are about research happening now, some help us to help ourselves to begin our communication with our children, research from yesterday.  Honestly a plethora of information I cannot begin to tell you how much there is.  The link to that page is here:  https://idigitalmedium.com/websites/

IDigitalMedium has a project happening at the moment that I will tell you about.  They are coordinating a global thank you effort for Mr Bacci.  I first heard of and watched Mr Bacci when I began looking at how to communicate with spirit.  Mr Bacci is now an elderly man and no longer is working due to ill health, but for decades and decades from a humble, simple room filled with grieving people he would tweak his old valve radio and bring through the voices of spirit.  In all that time he did not charge.  He has been studied, watched by researchers and cynics,  and no one can claim any issue with what he does.  He is truly a pioneer.  How many times do you mean to say thanks to someone but put it off and say oh I will do it next time I see her, or want to say something but that time never comes.  This is an opportunity to thank a man who has been selfless in his service to grieving people, and I was proud and privileged to be able to participate because he showed to me that it can be done.  Details of Mr Bacci and his work and some films can be found here: https://idigitalmedium.com/

Little steps…

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As I sit here on the fourth anniversary of your death my darling little girl, I look dispassionately upon myself, the shattered prism of me.  I, as if occupying an outer body person look at this stranger who on the one hand can sit and write so unemotionally yet who also contains a part body that can blink to enable it to see the person reduced to tears bereft of all emotion but utter desolation.   Blink again to see the strong person many others perceive, flash again to see the scared and frightened rabbit person peering in fear of the world from her burrow and I wonder will me ever come back again and do I even know who I am anymore.  Each part of the prism itself shattered in sharp shards upon the floor of earth.

Four years ago almost to the hour as I held your beautiful self, trapped in a  frail body ravaged by twelve months of chemotherapy and radiation and unspeakable tortures and pain, I did not know how my world would be forever changed and distorted beyond measure.   I am, at this time outwardly showing a small window of my pain and inwardly screaming the primal scream of the mother who realises that she will no longer see you again as her vibrant, loving child.    A mother utterly defeated by an enemy she cannot fight.   A force that no matter how much love there is, it cannot stop the final closing of your eyes, the shallow breaths, and the eventual barely perceptible release of your body from its earthly shell held so tightly in a frightened despairing mother’s arms releasing you to what and where she does not know.  The final act of torture that began in her mind a few hours ago when the doctors declare their inability to do any more for you, for us.

A part of me can look back now with pride, watching our respective strengths in the face of the inevitable.  Watching you tidying up your fifteen short years upon this earth writing thank you letters to all the staff thanking them for trying so hard to save you.   A letter for me to open later.   I watch you and I struggling to understand what is happening but at the same instant knowing that it is merely a matter of time before we begin that final journey that we will do together as mother and daughter.   I cannot go back to some of those hours locked behind steel doors that no one but you and I can see today, the trauma now held in the grip of my inner recesses of my mind.  I think of the horror I see in your sweet face when I ask you if there is anything you wish me to give your friends and your reply a maturity beyond your years, “Oh no, mummy, people judge their worth by what they are given.”  On the one hand, I hear that natural expression of yours “mummy” and the part of you that has never changed my little girl, and on the contrary, I listen to the words so wise that trip from your lips.  I see you write down for your professor to read how “sorry you are that you cannot give him the gift of saving your life”.  I take an opportunity to go out of your room, to gather my strength only to see the devastating effect your impending death has on those who have been so much a presence in our lives.  The professor you adore, in his private world and tears, the doctors, the nurses all so evidently aware that the curtain of earthly life is soon to close.  I can no longer dwell upon that last hours scene for the risk that I will be propelled into a state in which others will take control of me. 

I am alone now, more than I ever have been in my life physically, mentally and emotionally and even now cannot let myself go for fear that I will lose me altogether and begin the walk of the living dead.   I turn on the “coping me” that part of me I use, to get through many days and nights and that I now use to complete this writing.  I will shut tight again the doors that hold the trauma of that time, again close them to remain known only to myself and you.  I live in fear that I will slip again into that state of catatonia that rendered me incapable that first month after you died.  That state that stopped me from being able to bury you for many, many weeks.   That state that I  snapped out of by rude, unkind people demanding to know when I was “going to lay you to rest.”  The said and unsaid pressure for me to “get on with life”, the cruel taunt that life goes on without you.

Four years later I can say that I have plumbed the depths of utter desolation and flirted with my death.   Pills piled in front of me, not once but several times I try, but I am not to have that natural release despite my strenuous attempts.  No one knows how many times I have tried and not succeeded how frustrated and painful life is for me.  How many times I have lain for days in pill-induced sleep another attempt thwarted by forces unknown for I am sure each time I have taken enough to send me on my way.

You asked me once, a long time ago what I thought happens to us when we die.  The depth of my reply shows how little I had thought about it.  I had not thought of it at all really, except as I said,” I would like to think that there are more than three score years and ten.”  I came from a dysfunctional family who warred over religion.  I, in turn, looked the other way when it came to religion and spirituality and lumped that part of other people’s life into a box.   I was not interested in pursuing it until I had to, if ever had to, being so sure in my thinking that it was a moot point.  Mindful only that I had you so late in life that I had to make sure only that you be prepared to live without me.

Sometime in the past four years and I can honestly say I do not know when my mother’s instincts again kicked in.    I became desperate to find out where you were, were you safe and was there something I was not doing that was thwarting your attempts to keep your end of the bargain that we had made.  The promise that we had made to each other on that last day that “if there were a way to communicate we would find it.”  Instinctively we must have known that there was more ‘to life’ than this to make this pact with each other.  I see that now so clearly.  I see also so clearly how my  lack of knowledge and grief was holding up our path.

I remember that it was an aha moment at the time, but when that moment happened remains a mystery of the past four years.  One operates on automatic, in a somewhat fog of daily living as I am sure you the reader can imagine that envelops the parent who has to bury their child.  A state that makes them a walking, seemingly okay shell.

But yes, it was an aha moment that there is a difference between religion and spirituality.  I had spent my time since you left reading, studying all I could, about death, life,  the religions of the world, the worlds of spirit, the world not known to me at the time you left and it was a significant point at which I changed in my grieving.   No longer was I wallowing in my pain, rocking at the mercy of emotions.  Pulling myself each time from the depths of what I cannot describe in words but which another parent who buries their child would know. Slowly no longer did I feel helpless without hope. 

I have learnt that the religions of the world to help in spiritual matters are weak support for any but those who do not seek proof, those who are content, to follow without question.  I know I have tested their representatives and words to the extreme as indeed I have tested many “schools of thought”.

I have learnt that there is no easy way for a grieving mother to have answered that very, very basic need of hers to know where her child was in a definitive manner.   I also know it should not be like this.   In general terms, death is to be feared,  seen as final, just as I thought four years ago when I held you, my daughter in my arms.   I very nearly lost my mind and close to losing my life because I did not have what every person should know without question that death is not the end.

Our common usage words departed, deceased, and dead have a common connotation of The End. We really should be the using the most accurate terms such as graduate, transition, and cross over. 

I have found that there is life after bodily death.  I have proved beyond doubt that I can communicate with my beautiful daughter and that there are ways that other parents and families can do the same with their beloved children.    I have found solid, irrefutable evidence that we do live after death that we do not lay in some cold place waiting to be “called.”  I have learned that there is proof out there and available if you need it.  I have also learned how hard it is to find for someone in my position.   I believe it should not be so, so hard, so very hard for grieving people to find some peace.   I think it should be common knowledge and accepted that there is more that we can do between the worlds.

I believe that if you and I my darling can show just one other person the path then our pain and trauma will have been worth it.  To give a gift of peace to another mother or father that yes your child does live on and “is with you more than you can ever realise and this is how you can communicate” would be a gift worth giving indeed.